The story of Eleanora- our breastfeeding journey

 

Last night (02/23/2017) was the last time my daughter nursed. I can't believe I'm saying that. She breastfed until she was nearly 22 months. It has been a JOURNEY- one that I am extremely proud of. One that I have to believe many women would have given up on long, long ago.

Since she was born early, she did not have the ability to suck/swallow/breathe on her own. It took her nearly a month to learn this concept (hence the length of her NICU stay). During that time, I 'breastfed' a pump exclusively every 2-3 hours round the clock. Which meant waking up alone all throughout the night while my baby was 30 minutes away being cared for by strangers.

I was blessed to produce milk- something that many mothers of premature babies are not able to do. I was DETERMINED that I would do whatever it took to get that milk in my baby- whatever it took. I helped push it through her feeding tube. I helped try to get her to suck on a bottle. I exposed my breasts to at least a dozen doctors, nurses, and lactation counselors who gave me more advice than my brain could hold (and on more than one occasion, grabbed my breast to demonstrate). Finally, she learned how to suck and we were able to take her home. It took around 1 more month before we were able to completely make the switch from bottle feeding to exclusive breast feeding. I was staying home with her, wanted to nurse her on demand, and wanted to be DONE with that blasted breast pump. On a side note, can I just say how much more work pumping is than breastfeeding? Tons more work and time. So many kudos to the moms who do that for years. I could barely handle it for 2 months.

But that was not the end of the breastfeeding drama. We thought that it was all going to be a breeze after she came home and transitioned off of bottles. But then we found out she had reflux (very common from preemies) when she started projectile vomiting after every feeding. I'm guessing this is a terrifying experience for any new parent, but I was especially terrified since she was still less than 5 pounds at this point. I had just been traumatized by watching my daughter hooked up to machines for a month that were keeping her alive. We had come so far to get her to the point where she was eating on her own and now she was puking it all out immediately after eating. It was so much spit up after each feeding that I would require an outfit change and a shower, she would require an outfit change, and usually the bedding or carpeting would need to be washed. This honestly became a full time job. We had to have Amazon send us extra bedding because we couldn't keep up with the laundry. Not to mention, I would have to nurse her again almost immediately. Several times she choked on her vomit and couldn't breathe for several seconds. One time in particular, I sobbed and sobbed and told Jared I couldn't handle it anymore. It was so scary to watch. We put her on medication, but took her off after several weeks of it not making a difference. Finally we found relief when we took her to an infant chiropractor.

While at the chiropractor, we learned that Eleanora had both a lip and a tongue tie. We took her to a local expert to get a second opinion, and sure enough...she had a severe lip and tongue tie. This had been making the whole process much more difficult for both baby and mama, but since I had nothing to compare it to I just assumed this was what breastfeeding was like. The surgery to get those ties reversed was pure torture. The process of "stretching the wounds" to keep them from going back was absolutely horrible. I mentioned this in another blog entry. I can almost not think about it now. The last thing I wanted to do to my poor baby was inflict MORE pain on her after everything she had gone through...

Eventually we got to a place where things calmed down. I don't even remember when it happened. It hasn't been easy, but breastfeeding was a SERIOUS priority to me. I made it happen, and for a lot longer than I expected to be able to. She was obsessed with her "milkies" and asked for them when she was sleepy, had an "owie", was hungry, or just wanted some mama snuggles.

Last night, as I rocked her in her room with the lights out and her music playing softly, I nursed her for the very last time and told her that her Milkies were going buh-bye after bed. That mama would never go buh-bye. That she would always get all my snuggles and hugs. I told her it was the last time the milkies were going to be at bed time and then they were going to be all gone. After she finished nursing, she told them "buh-bye milkies" and kissed them. Then she laid down and went to sleep. Today, we talked about it throughout the day. I told her that they were all gone and that at bedtime mama would snuggle her, but there would be no milkies. She was extra snuggly all day long and whiney when I wasn't nearby for snuggles. When it was bedtime, she didn't even ask for milkies. We rocked in her room with the lights out and her music playing softly. She laid cheek-to-cheek with me, humming the music along with me. Once in a while, she reached her hand up and stroked my face and sweetly whispered, "mama". After about 10 minutes, I stood up, she gave me a big "squeezy hug" and then leaned back to be put in her crib. She never cried, whined, or asked for her milkies. She knew we were done. My heart hurts a little, but I am also so so happy and proud.